"You’re over-reacting, like you always do." She’ll tell you that she’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic to your face, but often will say these things to others, particularly to other family members in her efforts to destroy your credibility. Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn’t do anything. She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. You’ve hurt her terribly. She cannot understand why you won’t talk to her or won’t spend time with her. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She just doesn’t know what to do (and she’ll ask others for their opinion of you, carefully skewing the impressions they have of you to fit her image of you). You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you."
I needed this reminder more than anything today. It helps to know that triggers are pushing these old feelings to the surface.
“Those Old Time Feelings
I still have bad days. But that’s okay. I used to have bad years. ~ Anonymous
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as soul sickness.
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we’ve begun recovery. Sometimes there’s a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn’t mean were back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we’ve failed at recovery. They do not mean were in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Today, if I find myself in the dark pit of codependency, I will work a Step to help myself climb out.”
At the end of my most recent therapy session I felt truly accomplished. Tears and smiles over my evolution and hope for a future I’m sure to fall in love with (if I haven’t already). The work I’ve put into self discovery and healing has changed my outlook on life in ways I never imagined. I feel as though I’m not always running on empty, I’m not constantly frozen by fear. This has surely been my greatest accomplishment in life thus far. Without delving into my inner workings I would never have been able to take a step forward anyway. There are opportunities for growth everywhere I look, and even though it’s taken me 28 years to see them, I am not remorseful. There is still a lifetime of work to be done, but the biggest hurdle to overcome will be my abandonment issues. No doubt about it.
It all started with my parents. It’s been hard to wrap my mind around this since the relationship I have now with my dad is one I cherish more than anything in this world. And later, a very broken boyfriend who threw me into a rough tailspin that I have yet to recover from. Many of the things he said, actions he took, still haunt me to this day. To be so madly in love with someone so sick, so angry and so damn unaware will leave you in an emotional chokehold. Now I watch people cautiously to find a “correct” time to chime in. I watch what I say for fear of sounding stupid, while I replay those condescending conversations in my head. I won’t touch someone unless I am certain they won’t dodge my hand. I won’t let someone touch me if I feel the strings attached. "I don’t want a repeat, I don’t want to feel those things again", I tell myself as I withdraw from kindness, from love. If I keep it at bay it can’t hurt me, right? Since then, I have not allowed myself to feel a love as relentless. I simply do not let myself give in, stuff it right back in there. And it makes me lonely. I’ve been afraid.
In the past few months I have felt my heart open up. The people, the places. The desire to love has returned, but it’s the need this time that I am hoping to hinder. I am beginning to see my own feelings objectively and I will keep this momentum.
This time around - no chains, no walls, no holding back. I love who I love and I love who I am. No apologies.
Tomorrow I leave for Disneyland for 4 days. I am completely used to raw food veganism at this point. I still eat clean the 20 percent of the time that I am not eating raw so I know this is going to be a challenge. I have lost so much fat and am feeling healthier than ever so I don’t want to worry about gaining anything back or getting sick with a processed food. While I’m bringing a lot of food with me…I’m getting tired of food prep. I have made myself sweet potato fries, eggplant “bacon” and tons of kale trips to have as snacks while I’m there. I have also picked up some raw snack bars that are almost as good as a full meal. I am bringing my Ninja blender so I can still have at least one smoothie a day. I guess if I stick with salads when we eat out I won’t be completely sabotaging my digestive system. While I know I’m not going to erase the 2 - 3 months of clean eating and gain all that fat back in 4 days I’m still worried. Guess I just need some reassurance!
I had a night long dream last night that I was shopping for fruits and vegetables. I woke up exhausted and realizing I don’t have much produce left. Ack! What am I doing with my life?! It’s time to go make my dreams come true!
If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.
—Paul and Linda McCartney
I received my results from my glucose tolerance test. If you read my post then you know about the personal struggles I had with myself before taking the test. I almost just skipped it but deep down I needed the proof. So here’s my proof! Here’s my proof that the changes I’ve made are the best for…